tmay's Cancer Blog
March 7, 2010
I was talking with a good friend the other day, one that “gets it”, who is one of us…a cancer survivor. We were planning a dinner get together with our spouses and I was telling him about a trip that the family is planning for April. We’re going back up to Kentucky,,,Lexington. My dad is being honored by the University of Kentucky as a “Distinguished Alumni” for Engineering and it’s during Keeneland (Thoroughbred Horse Racing for you guys that don’t know)! I really, really want to go and be there for this acknowledgment of my dad’s career and also want to take Maggie there again to see UK during school, do a recruiting tour and go to the horse races.
While talking to my friend, I was blabbering on about making this trip happen. I get so stressed about the details. I know when you get to where I am, everyone talks about “Quality of Life”, doing things and creating memories for the ones you are leaving. But with chemo every week, it’s not as easy as I would like. Doing what you want, traveling, and treatment don’t always jive. So after running on about the making it happen details I ran out of steam and said, “ I just want to go home”.
When I said those words, the sadness and kick in the butt, finality of it all came up from nowhere. My voice choked up, I caught my breath and tears spilled from my eyes…I want to go HOME…to go back home to Kentucky. The realization that this is most likely my last time to go Home hit me hard. I want to drive the back roads past the miles and miles of white and black fences with gentle rolling hills of pasture, green, green grass, horses, barns. I want to be in a place where, as Maggie pointed out to me, everyone looks like a relative, with light blue eyes, and lilting accents. Where people don’t talk with what is becoming the standard flat TV broadcasting accent. Instead, you hear so much color in their words, “Can I hep yew?” “Laud, God a mercy!”, “Geet?” (Did you eat?).
I want to see the horses race, one more time…smell a barn full of horses, hay and feed. Hell, inhale the rich caramel smell of bourbon wafting through the stands at Keeneland racetrack! I want to see an early morning mist and dewy cobwebs on a fence post. I want to see the yearlings playing in the fields. Eat pizza at Joe Bologna’s, have a Hot Brown. Sip a REAL Mint Julip from a real sterling silver frosted glass. Burgoo anyone????
I know we all have that place, that special place where just being there or thinking about it makes us happy. But often it is not some glamorous or exotic place. I have been to so many places that are so beautiful they do not seem real. But there is no place on earth that is more perfect, more beautiful than Kentucky. Kentucky is my HOME and where I come from…it’s where my people are all buried. My family on both sides have lived there for over 200 years. As my daddy says, “You can’t fight it,,,it’s in your blood”. I just gotta go Home, one more time. By damn, I’m making it happen!
I live right across the bridge from kentucky (about a 15 minute drive from my house and 5 minutes from my office). You describe it perfectly. There is something very wholesome about life in Kentucky. The food, the people, close family, the hospitality, the air, the farms, the river, fertile soil, crops, southern girls, good ol boys, down home good times, lemonade, sun tea, southern food (beans and ham, corn bread, fried potatoes, fried green tomatoes) bon fires, lightening bugs, and lots of peaceful evenings sitting in a swing under the stars.
You deserve to go home. there has to be a way to get medical treatment coordinated so that you can go home and visit family as long as you want. I will pray that this works out for you. Although it made me cry to hear you say this would be your last trip home. maybe I’m wrong to be optomistic, but i know you are such a strong woman and a fighter and deep down I just feel like you will find a way to beat this, and not let it rob you. I’m praying for you to get some good news.
Posted on Tmay,
Your description was so vivid, that I could just picture it, and I have never been to Kentucky. I say GO..You WILL find a way to make this trip to happen!
Thinking of you,
Bo
Teresa—
With some good planning, you can SO do this—you NEED to do this! I understand that feeling of wanting to be “Home.” That’s where we feel the most comfortable and protected, at peace with ourselves and the world around us. I grew up in the midwest in corn and bean country. Most would find that very boring, but there is nothing more beautiful than a field of corn, row after row, straight as an arrow, knee high around the fourth of July. We all have that place and the need to go there at certain times in our lives. I hope you get to go and even more, I hope you will get to return time and time again. We have to keep faith and hope! I will send up a special prayer for you! Much love and many hugs to you—
Martha
Posted on I live in Virginia, so I kind of understand what you mean by all the things you miss about “home”. I also have somewhat the same desire to see Ireland before I leave this world. Can you skip a week of treatment so that it makes it easier to do this? I think fulfilling our desires and finding something that makes us happy is as important to our recovery and healing as the medications, actually, it’s often more important, as is a sense of humor, and grit. (((hugs))) Hope you have a good week.
Posted on Hey Tmay-
You left out basketball! You have to go home for that. I know you’ll make it back somehow! Just keep thinking it through.
Hugs
Anna
Posted on Aw, yes…make it happen. I was born in SF, but my parents lived in Nicaragua until I was 4. We left because of the war and I returned when I was in high school – being “home” opened up my senses with the smells, tastes, sounds, views that I didn’t remember that I had forgotten. It’s good to go home and feel a little back to neutral. I hope you can get there in-between chemo. Lots of love, Alyssa
Posted on It all makes sense, Teresa. Your description was wonderful; I felt like I took a vicarious trip to Kentucky. You can go home. Is there a way to rearrange the chemo schedule? Remember to ask the airline to seat you next to someone who is interested in serving as your leg rest :-) Your dad’s award is terrific; of course you want to be there.
Home is always safe. That’s why we like it.
Love to you,
Andrea
Posted on You are a lady with much power. I believe you will make it happen. Never say never, believe you can accomplish what ever you desire. I have seen you move boulders. Keep the faith and know we all are behind you.
Posted on Going home is good for the soul. I hope you can coordinate treatments, or just skip it! ;-p
I love how you describe Kentucky. It makes me want to move there! But I feel the same about Texas. sigh
Big hugs, sweetie!
XOXOLisa
Posted on t, i know what you mean, and you write it with such beauty. the feeling of bein the last time can be overwhelming and overtake the joy, but i know you wont let that happen, it may NOT be the last time, who knows. but we know what is in our heart. God go with you and enjoyh and remembe you can always buy the little things you may forget to bring, and you can do laundry. so pack with abandon and have fun.
much love,
annette
Hey T ~
What a beautiful tribue to a beautiful place.
I know the logistics are difficult when enduring chemo, but don’t let cancer rob you of this trip and this chance to honor your dad.
I believe that this trip home will be healing for you in so many ways – most importantly to the soul.
As always, my thoughts are with you.
Take that trip…and many, many more after this one.
Jill
Posted on You go for it and have a great time!
Posted on hi, teresa. your post made me want to go to kentucky, and i have never lived there. i can only imagine how much you would want to go back to a place so full of memories and good times. that is the very reason i am back in illinois. i joined the military one year after graduating from high school and was able to see so many beautiful places in this world. but, when it came time to choose the place to really set down roots and raise my daughter, i came back here. mainly because this is where most all of my relatives live. and that is why my daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter are moving back here next month. there really is no place like home. i truly wish you a wonderful trip. i know you will be able to make it happen. and don’t be so sure it will be your last trip. i am still praying for you and a cure. God bless you. debby
Posted on Hi Teresa, I’ve never been to Kentucky, but your description of it makes me want to go there. I know that you can make this happen, those cogs in your head will get going and next thing you know, you will have a plan laid out, big hugs
Eli
Posted on So nice to read your post, you descibe it so perfectly one could tell without a doubt this is indeed your home. It sounds great to be there for your Dad. Though, I am in IL, depending upon what area of Ky. I am not that far. If you need some help at all in helping you get to your home destination I would try to help you as best I could. You always have a friend with me. Family must come first. Cancer takes enough don’t allow it to take this much needed trip. Be Well, Patty
Posted on T go to Kentucky, honor your dad. Your discription makes me want to go there. T remember there is no place like home. I also think the trip would be so good for you! Hugs Val
Posted on March 2, 2010
The last week has been busy and worrying. Thursday, I took the red eye to Houston and sweet simplysharon picked me up from the airport and took me down to MD Anderson. I had blood work done, saw the PA and the Clinical Trial nurse and got chemo an hour earlier than scheduled, which was great. We got out of there around 3:30 and thanks to Sharon’s expert navigation, and heavy right foot (just kidding) I made the 5:05 flight by the skin of my teeth. It was kind of scary just because everything worked out on or earlier than scheduled. Now I KNOW that is not going to be the norm most of the time but it was nice catching that flight…the next one isn’t until 8:20.
The chemo went smoothly, it was really nice having Sharon there to keep me company while doing the waiting game between appointments. She helped pass the time quickly.
Now the down side. I have been warned that platelets drop a lot with torisil and to be prepared to have this problem off and on. So I’m getting blood work done every Wednesday afternoon here in Austin to make sure that my numbers are okay. My platelets had dropped from 309 two weeks ago to 153…still in the acceptable range. So I flew down to Houston Thursday morning only to find that the platelets had dropped more that morning to 123 from the afternoon before. Yes, this IS going to be a problem. Apparently, day 8 is the around when the platelets are at their lowest after torisil and day 8 is also the day I get another smack down torisil treatment. The absolute cut off number for no chemo is 50 so if I am at 60 on Wednesday, I should probably cancel going down to Houston. You see, I really do not want have to slepp down to Houston only to be told that my blood is not good enough for chemo. I’m getting my number checked again tomorrow and will go through this dance every week.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my right calf has been bothering me since last Sunday and I saw my Austin Oncologist last Tuesday. Dr. T said it was NOT a blood clot and to “shake it off”...He told me if my leg swelled up and turned blue, THEN I had one. So I went off to Houston last week thinking I had dodged a bullet. But Noooo! I noticed my right ankle had swollen while waiting for chemo…the calf was aching and I started limping more and more. After chemo and walking into the airport, it was really hurting and my ankle bone was completely MIA. I got into my GP doctor Friday, he ordered a sonogram and yep,,,I’ve got a clot in my right calf. Damn! So it’s back to my buddy Lovenox shots twice a day in my stomach till it see Dr F U at MDA on Thursday. He wants to look at it! Yikes, I just hope that this won’t kick me out of the trial…I’ve got all of my hopes on this trial.
So any of you…suggestions on keeping my foot looking GOOD on Thurs. would be greatly appreciated. Keeping it elevated has helped but it’s kinda hard to prop my foot up on the plane. I will prop as much a possible in the car and while waiting for bloodwork etc. (I’m sure the dude sitting next to me will let me put my foot on his lap!)
Finally, bloody nose all the time and rashy splotches on the inside of my elbows started last night…put Cordaid on and seems to help the itch but not the redness…any other remedies out there?
God, reading this makes me sound like an old lady…next I’ll be sitting here rocking back and forth, back and forth, taking my pulse constantly.
Aww Teresa, I know we just spoke but I just wanted to let you know my prayers are with you. I am thinking I will go with you to blood and then leave while your waiting for your favorite ninja to drop in. I can leave as late as 9 so it would be no problem, as I will either wait with you or wait in the car at my doctor. That might help keep you off the foot walking as you will already have walked all around the airport. Please don’t rule that one out, we can play it by ear. Looking forward to seeing you, I know you “love” those shots in the stomach, but my prayers are that you won’t need them much longer as the clot will dissolve. Love ya, Sharron
Teresa,
I just checked my email and your post notice was right at the top.I surely hope that you can stay in the trial. Is there a way to coordinate the blood work and the travel schedule, so you don’t make a pointless shlep to Houston? I guess if there were, you would be doing it. This disease has had its way with you for too long. Time for the torisil to kick in, and the cancer to go away.
Hugs to you.
Andrea
Hi Teresa—
Thanks so much for updating us, as I’ve really had you on my mind lately. First, let me say what a wonderful friend you have in simplysharon! She’s an angel, indeed, and I’m so glad she is there for you! Now, about your platelets, can’t really help you there, except to pray, pray, pray that you will not dip into the “NO” zone. I’ll do my best! As for the leg swelling, well, my only experience with swelling in an extremity was when I had foot surgery and it was horrible! The only way I could hold on was to keep my foot elevated all the time. So, airplane dude, if you’re listening, let this woman rest her leg on your lap so her ankle bones won’t keep disappearing! Sorry, that’s all I got! :( I will certainly keep up the prayers and send you as much positive energy as I can muster. Keep us posted, girlfriend!
Love—
Martha
I had a blood clot in my leg and they told me to put hot as you can stand compresses on as time will allow. I did it every night for awhile and it melted away eventually. I actually boiled what they call a hydroculator (sand bag) and wrapped in towel and put on. Hope it helps. Love, Nancy
Posted on Tmay,
I have a suggestion regarding your foot. I had to ask the airlines in Jan. that if it were all possible, could they put me in a seat to myself…if there were any extra seats on the plane. (Because my immune system is such a mess, I had 3 really major rounds of antibiotics and still was iffy whether or not I could kick the lung issue to the curb) They are very accomodating when possible. Just tell them you are a cancer patient and see what goes. If you can be in a bulkhead seat and prop your foot up that way it may help.
I am wishing and praying hard for you.
Good luck,
Bo
Hey Girlfriend,
Doesn’t sound like it is going too good, but you are really just tarting out with this new trial. Here’s hoping & praying that all the bad STUFF comes out in the first
Posted on con’t- (sorry hit wrong button)
treatments. My sister & bro have had LOTS of problems with blood clots, so I’ll check with them.
As for the rocking chair, beware! Those things can get kinda WILD at times!
Take care & call when you need to vent.
Love Ya,
Sandy
This just sucks! I am so sorry you have to go through any of this. I mean if we have to have cancer and chemo do we have to suffer so much. I hate what is going on with your body and I just want to smash amd break things until your all fixed up.
Much love and tons of prayers
Sonia ((hugs))
Posted on hi, teresa. i am so sorry to hear about your low platelets and the blood clot. just a word of caution…. blood clots in the lower extremeties should definitely be treated. i hope you have already started on the lovenox. you don’t want that darn clot moving around anywhere else. i will pray that you will be able to continue in the trial. what shitty damn luck! i wish you could catch a darn break already. i gotta say, though… you are one tough lady. keep hanging in there and i will keep praying for you.
God bless you. debby
Oh, Teresa, I am sorry you are having such an awful time. During my 1st chemo in 1994 I had to have blood transfusions everytime except for the 1st treatment and the last treatment. It really bothers me that they are treating the blood clot so casual. In 1994 I had a blood clot in my arm after 2 treatments (Taxol research study). They put me on coumadin and kept me in the hospital for a week. I had to come off the Taxol research study because of the coumadin. I also had a blood clot in my lung in 2006 after a few chemo treatments and I was in the hospital for a week that time. Just take care. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you.
Joyce In NC
Posted on Sorry that you are having such a rough time. I do however love your sense of humor.
Dear Teresa,
Wow, you have been going though hell. The one good thing no wonderful thing is that you have Sharon to help you back & forth to M.D. Anderson.
I have not had any experience with blood clots personally but my platelets did drop to 3 in 1997 which landed me in the hospital for transfusions every 4 hours for 21 days. It dropped to zero before it started climbing. When I was d/c 21 days lter, my platelets were a whopping 35. But,in time it all evened out. It’s crappy enough to have to go through the chemo then to have the complications of a blood clot and the platlets just doesn’t seem fair. I wish I had some profound words to share, but besides you or no one here deserves this about sums up my thoughts. You will be in my thoughts & prayers. Keep your eye on thi clot. Love, Patty
Thanks for your support - 
